Introduction
Not every loss is acknowledged the same way. Some kinds of grief are openly met with sympathy, support, and shared rituals, while others are quietly dismissed, ignored, or misunderstood. If you've ever felt heartbroken and heard, "But it wasn't that serious," or "At least it wasn't worse," you've likely experienced what's known as disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief refers to the pain we carry when our loss isn't seen as legitimate by others. It might be the loss of a beloved pet, a miscarriage, the end of a complicated relationship, or grieving someone who is still alive but emotionally gone. These are losses the world doesn't always give us permission to mourn, and that lack of recognition can deepen the hurt.
As a grief coach, I work with people who carry invisible grief every day. Their sorrow is real and valid, and so is yours. This post is here to name that pain, honor your experience, and offer support that meets you right where you are.
What Makes a Grief Disenfranchised?
Grief becomes disenfranchised when society doesn't allow, acknowledge, or validate it. There are many reasons why this happens. Sometimes, the relationship isn't "socially recognized," like in the case of a former partner, a non-biological loved one, or someone estranged. Other times, the type of loss is misunderstood, like pet loss, infertility, or a failed adoption.
Cultural norms and expectations often play a role. In many spaces, emotional pain is only given attention if it fits a certain mold. People may say things like "You should be over it by now," or "That doesn't really count as grief." These messages, whether spoken outright or implied, can cause someone to suppress their sorrow and feel even more isolated.
The truth is, grief is not a competition. There is no hierarchy of loss. If something meant a lot to you, losing it can break your heart, and that's reason enough to grieve.
The Pain of Invisibility
One of the hardest parts of disenfranchised grief is how invisible it can feel. When others don't acknowledge your loss, it can start to feel like you have to keep it hidden. You might question yourself: "Am I being dramatic?" or "Should I just get over this?"
That internalized doubt can be damaging. Without the space to express what you're going through, emotions can build up into shame, frustration, or depression. Grief needs to move. It needs breath, voice, and recognition. When we're denied that, healing becomes harder.
If you've felt unseen in your grief, I want to say this clearly: your experience matters. The loss you feel is real, even if others don't understand it. You deserve support that honors the truth of what you've been through.
Common Types of Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief can take many forms. Some of the most common include:
Pet Loss: For many, pets are beloved companions and family members. Losing them can be devastating, yet it's often downplayed by others who don't understand the depth of the bond.
Miscarriage or Stillbirth: These are profound losses that society frequently overlooks or treats as "replaceable." The grief is real, and the pain is uniquely layered.
Loss of an Ex-Partner or Estranged Loved One: When someone passes away or leaves your life but wasn't currently "in" your life, others may assume your grief doesn't count. But unresolved feelings, memories, and shared history can make the loss deeply painful.
Estranged Parent-Child Relationship: The loss of connection between a parent and child, whether due to emotional estrangement, rejection, or prolonged silence, can create an intense, unspoken grief. This pain is often misunderstood, especially when the person is still living.
Addiction, Incarceration, or Mental Illness: Watching someone disappear in pieces, change beyond recognition, or lose their freedom can bring grief that is complex and difficult to explain. These situations often carry stigma, which can prevent people from feeling safe enough to share.
Infertility or Loss of Identity: Grieving the family you imagined, the version of life you were planning, or even parts of your identity you've had to let go. These too are valid losses, even if they don't come with funerals or sympathy cards.
How to Acknowledge and Legitimize These Losses
Healing begins with acknowledgment. You don't need anyone else's permission to grieve what matters to you. It's okay to feel heartbroken over something that others might not understand.
One way to start validating your loss is by naming it. Write it down. Speak it aloud. Tell your story to someone who can hold it with tenderness, or write it in a journal if speaking feels too vulnerable.
Creating rituals can also be powerful. Light a candle, keep a memory box, write a letter to what was lost. These small acts tell your mind and heart: this mattered. And I'm allowed to mourn it.
Remember, grief doesn't have to be seen by the world to be real. Your feelings are worthy because they are yours.
Simple Empowerment Exercise
Journal Prompt: "This is what I lost, and this is why it matters to me."
Set a timer for 15 minutes and allow yourself to write freely. Don't worry about what others might think. Let your truth have a place to land.
Mindfulness Practice: Sit quietly, with your hand over your heart. Take a few slow breaths. Say to yourself:
"I am grieving something real. I do not need permission. My story matters."
Repeat this as many times as you need. Let it sink in.
The Role of Grief Coaching
Disenfranchised grief often needs a space where it can be fully seen and honored without judgment. That's one of the reasons I offer grief coaching: to provide a supportive, validating space for people grieving in silence.
As your coach, I help you give language to your experience, identify the ways your grief may be affecting you, and build gentle, empowering strategies for healing. Grief coaching isn't about pushing through pain or "fixing" anything. It's about learning to walk with your grief, not against it.
Many of my clients come to me feeling like they're not allowed to grieve, or that their pain doesn't matter. Through our work together, we create a place where all of that pain can be held, explored, and slowly transformed into something meaningful. If you feel like your grief has been overlooked, know that I see you, and I'm here to support you.
Conclusion
Grief doesn't have to meet someone else's definition to be real. Your loss matters, even if the world hasn't made space for it. Healing begins with naming the truth and offering yourself the compassion you may not have received from others.
You are not broken for feeling deeply. You are not wrong for mourning something others don't understand. Your grief deserves acknowledgment, and you deserve support.
If you're ready to begin that healing journey, I would be honored to walk with you. You don't have to carry it alone.
FAQs
- Why don't people take my grief seriously? People often dismiss what they don't understand. Cultural norms and discomfort around grief lead many to minimize pain that doesn't fit their expectations. That doesn't mean your grief isn't valid.
- Can I still grieve someone I wasn't close to at the end? Absolutely. Grief is about the whole relationship, not just how it ended. Unfinished business, lost potential, and unresolved emotions are all valid sources of pain.
- How do I cope when others dismiss my loss? Seek support from people who validate your experience. That could include a grief coach, therapist, or community of others who've experienced similar losses. Journaling and rituals can also help affirm your grief internally.
- Is it okay to grieve a pet or a breakup this deeply? Yes. Love is love, and loss is loss. The depth of your grief reflects the depth of your bond, not its label.
- How can coaching help when therapy feels too clinical? Coaching focuses on being present with your emotions and building forward movement. It's relational, supportive, and action-oriented. It complements therapy or stands alone when you want a space to feel heard and guided without diagnosis.